One day Mr America opened his mail to find a letter from the US Environmental Protection Agency (EPA). He had ridden his motorcycle past a mobile, roadside emissions check point and the thermo-optic sensor detected that the vehicle was in violation of federal smog requirements. It was approximately 10% out of compliance. He was further advised that this non-compliance would have to be corrected before he would be permitted to renew the annual registration.

So Mr. America made an appointment for his beloved motorcycle at a shop he’d used before and had had good experiences. When he dropped the bike off for the appointment, he told the service advisor what the EPA Letter had said. The advisor noticed that Mr. America looked a bit worried, so he calmly explained that being out of compliance by 10% was something to definitely rectify, but not to worry about. He was certain that the competent technicians in the shop could find the problem.

In a few days, the shop called Mr. America to tell him the good news and the bad news.

The good news was that they had given the bike a good going over and, thanks to experience and technological advancements, had managed to eliminate the 10% non-compliance smog emissions. They’d found some vacuum hoses that were leaking, a plugged crank vent filter, and they’d installed a brand new type of spark plug that yielded a dramatically hotter and wider-arced spark. When the service advisor told him what the parts and labor total would be, Mr. America was able to calculate that it was merely a fractional amount of his income and he could easily afford it.

But the bad news.

They had received an email from the EPA just that morning advising them that they were not permitted to rectify the motorcycle’s problem. It was permissible only for the vehicle to be fixed at an EPA approved facility. He explained that the bike’s Vehicle Identification Number (VIN) had been flagged in the Federal Department of Transportation (DOT) database and a message had popped up on their computer screen saying that it could only be worked on at one of the new Federal EPA facilities. The service advisor apologized for the timing, but explained that it was actually quite common for the government to be slow in releasing communications. Anyway, they regretted the inconvenience and delay, but they had to undo all the work they’d done, plus they still had to charge him for their labor time. And of course, the bike would still be 10% out of compliance.

So Mr. America looked up the closest EPA facility and dutifully made the appointment. When he brought the bike in, the service advisor there was completely unfamiliar with the Year-Make-Model-Engine (YMME) and needed Mr. America to assist him in filling out the paperwork. Furthermore, when they went to log it in to the computer, the bike’s VIN did not appear in the non-compliance report that that the private shop had seen.

“Not to worry,” explained the smiling federal service advisor, “these things always take time. It will probably pop up in a day or two.”

Additionally, Mr. America was concerned that this shop did not have the printed limit of liability paragraph on the bottom of the form like the other shop had. The smiling service advisor told him that the Fed shops were not subject to the same limits and laws regulating privately owned shops. But he smiled and urged him not to worry, because the Fed shops had been established for the very purpose of protecting the consumer by stimulating competition among the private shops, and giving him more choice. As such, he could expect the bill to come out substantially less than the private shop had billed him.

So, Mr. America left the bike at the Fed shop.

A week later and no word from the Fed shop, he called to inquire. The same polite, smiling service advisor he’d met before answered the phone. He told Mr. America that there was no word on the bike and please call back again in about a week, and the phone went silent. Nervous, but still hopeful, Mr. America complied. He called back a week later, with the same outcome.

After yet another week, he drove to the Fed shop personally to inquire. Upon seeing him, the smiling service advisor told him that the bike was indeed ready to go. It had been ready for about 4 days, but they had been kinda backed up and unable to call. Mr. America was perturbed by the lack of communication, but also relieved that his bike was finished, so he asked to pay the bill and be done with it.

The smiling service advisor brought the bill out, and Mr. America was absolutely flabbergasted. Doing some quick math in his head, he calculated that the bill to fix the bike was about 1/6 of his entire income!!!!

“How is this possible???” he screamed at the smiling service advisor. “The private shop eliminated the 10% non-compliance for a fraction of this!!!! Then you made them undo their work and charged me more than 1/6th of my annual salary!!!!”

The smiling service advisor showed him a foot-long list of parts and a dizzying array of labor charges, explaining that they took apart and rebuilt the entire engine. He explained that the engine was now in compliance and Mr America could take comfort in the fact that it had not been achieved through those “band-aid” fixes that the private shop had done.

Nonetheless, Mr. America was incensed. “I WON’T PAY FOR IT!!!!! You can keep it!!!” he screamed at the smiling service advisor.

“Actually, Mr. America,” he smiled, “we have the authority to garnish your wages until the bill is paid. So do you want to pay that now or set up installments?”

Mr. America was bewildered. How could this be? But it was. It just was. It had been done. He had no recourse against the Fed shop for the expenses incurred on his bike. He had to pay it. “I’ll have to make installment payments,” he said with resignation. “for many, many years.”

“Of course, I understand,” the smiling service advisor said. He went about filling out the paperwork, explaining everything in great detail. Funny, Mr. America thought, he knows these complex rules and regulations through and through, and yet he doesn’t know one end of my bike from the other.

As they wrapped up the complex paperwork, the smiling service advisor put it all in a massive folder and said, “Now there is one more thing you need to know. In the future, all maintenance and repairs have to be done only at Fed shops. The law is that once you’ve come here you can no longer have your bike fixed at a private shop. Doing so is a violation of Federal law, and we don’t want that, do we, Mr. America?”